Cani e porci hanno il proprio blog, quindi anch’io!

Pigs and dogs have their own blogs, why can't I?

Done Done Done – Finito finito finito

May 4th, 2007

Yesterday I got my final dose of chemo. Today I feel ok physically but have what my cancer friends call post-treatment depression. Fear. Panic at the future. Tired. Overwhelmed with amount of decisions and more treatments to go. Want to get out of thinking only about cancer.

Ho avuto la mia ultima dose di chemio ieri. Oggi mi sento fisicamente abbastanza bene, ma psicologicamente a terra. Le mie amiche che hanno il cancro la chiamano depressione post-trattamento. Paura. Panico per il futuro. Stanchezza. Sopraffatta dalla quantita’ di decisioni da prendere e di ulteriori trattamenti a cui sottopormi. Voglio smettere di dover pensare solo al cancro.

April 17th, 2007

One day I’ll wake up to realize it had only been just a bad dream.

Un giorno mi svegliero’ con la certezza che era stato solo un brutto sogno.

Second to Last is Gone!

April 14th, 2007

Jill drove me to the chemo room on Thursday: before getting into the halls of hell we had a nice lunch on Vermont at a small French bistro where I enjoyed chicken pate’ that delighted my palate. I had never had much chance to talk to Jill at length about our hopes and beliefs and faith and I was glad I had that chance, though I have to say that with two anti-anxiety Ativans in my system I wasn’t really my sassy self. Which might have been a relief for Jill, really. I have now learned a lot of the tricks of getting chemo to have a low impact on you: for example, the day before chemo I have to have my blood drawn to make sure that I have enough white blood cells to allow me to undergo chemo without developing neutropenia (a potentially fatal lack of white blood cells). Now, I have never been afraid of having needles stuck into my body. My mom was a nurse and she taught us all at a very early age to inject intramuscular medication to ourselves and others. I also have to inject myself with subcutaneous medication in my legs or belly for four days in the week following chemo to give a boost to the bone marrow production of white blood cells…but I am starting to get sick of needles now. For one thing, when the inject the chemo into my hand it hurts more: veins are thinner there and can take so much pressure from the medications going in, so they stay sore for quite a few weeks after chemo. So my trick is that the day previous to the chemo, when I get my blood count, I ask the nurse to draw blood from the hand. The following day then, the chemo nurse can’t go give me chemo on the poked hand, for risk that the toxic substance would flow out of the vein and cause a nasty burn (yes, that’s the danger).

I finally also got the trick for antinausea medications that make miracles, though I have developed anemia and my liver functions are not at their best. But doctor Faith seems to think I can stand just one more cycle, with only one extra injection boost for my blood cell count. I can’t wait for May 3rd to arrive. Ten days later we’ll celebrate Mother’s Day with a trip to central California wine country (near Santa Barbara), all of us and our friends the Powers camping and Bruce and Mark doing a half marathon. The following week in Long Beach we’ll celebrate life and love and participate to Gay Pride festivities, walking in the parade and staffing our St. Luke’s booth (an inclusive welcoming church of the Episcopal church of the US). We’ll celebrate mass at the ocean where many of our lesbian and gay couples will renew their vows of commitment, those who are married and those who are not yet married, in the process of deciding whether to make their union a marriage. So many things to look forward to now…and not to forget my big feat in November! And I finally found a long lost dear friend, whom I hadn’t heard from for years and now I am happy to be able to talk to again. I have many things to feel blessed today…until next time, when I might not feel that cheery….love to all

Donations to Team Sabita – Donazioni a Team Sabita (l’italiano e’ sotto l’inglese)

April 11th, 2007

Dearest friends: I am happy to announce that I have reached my personal bottom-line fundraising goal, thanks to you all! You see, in order to walk the Breast Cancer 3-Day each of us has to raise a minimum of $2,200, and as of my writing I have collected $2,900 dollars from all your donations and I am grateful to you all for this. Now, I want to make sure that all my team members are able to walk with me, especially Bruce, who has been so supportive throughout all this ordeal. I want him to walk with me: Sandro will be staying with friends during the three days, then he’s going to join us to walk the last few yards. We’ll cross the finish line together and together, as a family, we’ll celebrate our victory over cancer! So I am asking you, those who haven’t donated but intend to, those who have donated but know of other people who might want to donate to the cause, those who can make a further donation, to support Bruce directly: the money you give will go to the same worthwhile cause and will make it possible for Bruce to share my 3-Day blue tent in November. You can view Bruce’s 3-Day page at http://www.the3day.org/sandiego07/brucehardy. Thank you all again!

Cari amici: quelli di voi che capiscono l’inglese, sapranno da uno dei miei post precedenti che ho deciso di partecipare alla Breast Cancer 3-Day a San Diego in Novembre. In questo evento migliaia di donne e uomini camminano 20 miglia al giorno per tre giorni (in totale sono circa 100 chilometri) per raccogliere fondi a favore della Komen for the Cure, un’organizzazione dedicata alla ricerca sul cancro al seno e al sostenimento di iniziative di educazione, informazione e fornitura di cure mediche anche preventive del cancro al seno in comunita’ poco o mal servite negli Stati Uniti e in alcune altre parti del mondo. Ho avuto l’idea di partecipare perche’ ho visto che molte donne non ricevono le medicine necessarie per aumentare le loro chances di sopravvivenza e molte non ricevono cure preventive adeguate (come mammografie ed esami al seno) o perche’ non hanno assicurazione medica o perche’ vivono in aree del mondo cosiddette ‘sottosviluppate’. Io ho avuto la fortuna di ricevere le medicine migliori, che costano migliaia di dollari, ma non tutte sono cosi’ fortunate. La mia amica Sabita, per esempio, in Bangladesh, puo’ darsi che non possa ricevere un nuovo farmaco che riduce drasticamente la possibilita’ che il suo cancro ritorni. La sua famiglia vive nell’angoscia che un giorno, nonostante mesi e mesi di sofferenza a causa della chemioterapia, il cancro di Sabita riappaia, sapendo che se fosse vissuta in un altro paese le sue possibilita’ di sopravvivenza sarebbero state molto migliori. Cosi’ ho voluto far qualcosa per contribuire all’eliminazione di queste differenze dovute all’ineguaglianza ed inequita’ sociale ed economica e ho deciso di aiutare la Komen for the Cure e partecipare alla 3-Day. Bruce, naturalmente sempre pronto ad appoggiarmi, si e’ unito a me e, insieme ad altre 3 amiche abbiamo formato una squadra, che abbiamo chiamato Team Sabita. Insieme ci siamo impegnati a raccogliere almeno 2.200 dollari **ciascuno** a favore della Komen. Questo vuol dire che ognuno di noi condiziona la propria partecipazione alla 3-Day al raccoglimento di almeno questa somma. Devo dire che tra la mia testa pelata, il mio temperamento tutt’altro che timido, e il dono dell’amicizia di molte persone in tutto il mondo mi ha permesso di raggiungere e superare il mio personale obbiettivo molto rapidamente. Adesso mi sto dedicando ad aiutare gli altri membri della mia squadra a raggiungere il loro. In particolare voglio aiutare Bruce, perche’ per me e’ importante che anche lui cammini con me in Novembre, come sta “camminando” con me in questi giorni. Se anche Bruce e’ con me, un’amica si occupera’ di Sandro per 3 giorni e lo portera’ a San Diego l’ultimo giorno perche’ cammini gli ultimi metri e tagli il traguardo con noi. Voglio anche che questo rappresenti per la mia famiglia il raggiungimento del traguardo simbolico di esserci liberati del cancro che sta dominando la nostra vita quotidiana in questi giorni di chemioterapia e radioterapia.

Quindi vi scrivo per chiedervi di contribuire al nostro sforzo, di contribuire alla lotta contro il cancro al seno, di aiutare la Komen for the Cure a salvare vite, di donare 50 dollari (o quello che potete) alla Komen in nome di Bruce. Potete donare con carte di credito sul sito web che la Komen ha installato per Bruce a questo indirizzo: http://www.the3day.org/sandiego07/brucehardy. Se non vi fidate a usare la vostra carta di credito su internet (ma vi assicuro che il sito e’ protetto da piu’ che adeguati sistemi di sicurezza), potete anche contribuire mandando la vostra donazione alla mia famiglia che poi l’inviera’ a me tramite bonifico bancario. Se vivete negli Stati Uniti, la vostra donazione e’ deducibile dalle tasse. Non so se questo vale anche per l’Italia. Se avete ulteriori domande o volete piu’ informazioni sulla 3-Day, sulla Komen, o sul modo per contribuire alla nostra campagna, scrivetemi pure. Vi ringrazio di cuore in anticipo!

By acclamation…in Italian this time!

April 9th, 2007

Sorry, English-speaking friends…after a long time of no writing I gotta write something in Italian for my Italian friends and family who can’t read English!

A richiesta un post in italiano, anche se ho gia’ barato usando un anglicismo! Si avvicina il giorno del quinto ciclo di chemio. Da una parte non vorrei che il giorno venisse mai. Dall’altra, questo sara’ il penultimo ciclo, il che vuol dire che la fine sara’ piu’ vicina, quindi non vedo l’ora che arrivi. Intendo ovviamente la fine della chemio, che se fa il lavoro suo ritarda la mia di fine :-). In questi giorni, a partire circa dal venerdi’ della settimana successiva alla chemio numero 4, sono stata particolarmente bene. L’unica cosa che mi ha infastidito sono state le piaghe in bocca (conseguenza normale della terapia), ma anche quelle sono quasi tutte andate via. A volte anche lo stare cosi bene mi fa paura: mi dico che se sto cosi bene forse la chemio non sta attaccando il mio corpo (quindi il cancro) abbastanza. Anche un’amica mia ha avuto la stessa reazione alla chemio anni fa quando l’ha fatta lei. Il problema e’ che ora quest’amica sta molto male, ha metastasi nello stomaco e nelle ossa, e’ debolissima a causa di una forte inesplicabile anemia e soffre molto. C’e’ parte di me che mi dice che forse capitera’ anche a me, anche se statisticamente e’ improbabile. Poi pero’ mi ricordo di come mi sento per almeno 8 giorni dopo un ciclo di chemio e mi dico che in effetti e’ dura: anche se adesso sto bene e questo mi fa dimenticare i tempi difficili, passo 8 giorni molto infelici dopo la terapia: nausea, rigurgito, stitichezza, mal di pancia per i lassativi, piaghe in bocca, mal di testa, nebbia mentale…quindi se sto male vuol dire che la chemio fa bene, no? Pero’ quando sto male non ci penso a questo: penso solo che non voglio essere in questa situazione, che non voglio avere il cancro, e che cazzo! E’ vero che adesso capisco molto di piu’ la sofferenza e le persone che la incontrano. E sto imparando (o meglio, sto lottando per imparare) ad accettare la prospettiva della morte come parte della vita (tanto moriamo tutti, no? Eppure abbiamo l’illusione dell’eterna vita terrena). Ma a dire la verita’ a volte vorrei ancora stare vivendo la vita illusoria che vivono le persone che non sono mai state male, giusto per non stare piu’ male.

4th is over…and Fundraising Pitch for Team Sabita

March 22nd, 2007

I had my fourth chemo today (2 more to go…I’m running downhill now!). I just came back home and I still feel OK. Dr. Faith changed my medications once again to help me with nausea and this time I have all that can possibly be taken, I should be ok. I accidentally took double dose of one medication because they gave me the generic refill of one that I was already taking, and I thought it was a new one to take in addition to the old ones…Fortunately I checked on the National Comprehensive Cancer Network guidelines and I haven’t surpassed the maximum amount advised per day so I should be ok. A slight nausea feeling is creeping up, especially in the form of increased sensitivity to odors, perfumes, non-food smells. I have to stay away from soaps, body lotion, body washes, shampoos (not that I know what shampoos are for these days), candles, deodorants, even my favorite perfume bugs me. BUT…although everybody had told me that I would be sensitive to food smells, those don’t bother me, quite the opposite! The first time I had chemo I even had better sense of smell and taste than before. Now my sense of taste is not as heightened, but appetite, aside of those first three-four days has not abated, mouth sores are kept at a minimum, constipation seems to be under control with laxatives (TMI, would you say?), my blood count is close to normal (I have to give myself shots to keep white blood cells at normal levels), I am keeping a good weight (maybe a couple of pounds heavier than before mastectomy, but that maybe increased muscle weight, from all the swimming and walking). Swimming is a God-send: the feeling and sound of water all around you is very soothing, I don’t feel any pain when I’m in it. Even when I cramp from laxatives, the moment my body hits the water it’s like I’m in my mother’s womb again. And then I have started training and walk on the beach, which is so healing in itself. I have signed up for the 3-Day Walk, a 60 mile walk over three days around San Diego, whose proceeds will go to Komen For The Cure and the National Philantropic Trust, two organizations that are devoted to fund research to end breast cancer and to provide advocacy, education, information and some level of breast care to underserved communities in the US and abroad. Bruce and two of our girlfriends are going to do this walk in November, and we have to raise 2,200 hundred dollars each as a condition of our participation, so I guess that this entry could be my call to you, my friends, for you to help us out and donate what you can to a good cause. You can find our team page at http://sabita.longbeachit.com. You can donate to any one of our team members and your donation is tax deductible to the extent allowed by law. If you prefer, you can join our team and walk with us. It will be a great experience and give a whole new deeper meaning to our friendship. Some of you have had the idea of coming down to San Diego the last day of the walk (Nov. 11th) bringing Sandro with them and let him walk the last yards to cross the finish line with us and take pictures, cheer and then hit the bars! You can do any or all of these things, but the important thing is that you help us in the fight against breast cancer. Thank you in advance!

My Politically Ba(o)ld Statements

March 20th, 2007

I have usually made it a practice to never say never, but shortly after I was diagnosed I went around saying that I would never wear a wig. I should have stuck to my very wise practice. Evelyn (who has what I call a wig fetish – no sex pun intended….really!) bought me a cute blond wig and I have indeed enjoyed it so much that the other day I bought myself another, this time bright red! I don’t have a picture of myself with the red wig, but will get one soon. In the meantime, here’s one of me being blond and one of me beingMembers of Team Sabita bald. I take my wearing a wig, a scarf, a baseball cap, or any sort of decoration to my head (or leaving it as chemo wants it) as a political statement: that however a woman decides to wear her bald head is a decision fruit of the circumstances of her life and the environment she is surrounded by. I think that no one but her has to feel comfortable with the way she looks (though I know, I ***know***, how uncomfortable people’s stares can feel on your skin and how unnerving can people’s “suggestions” on what you should wear and how can be). I believe that part of the fun is keeping your head straight and high in the face of the public gaze. So I wear my wigs (or not) and a smile, when I can.

Members of Team SabitaBlond Wig

Sickness is Boring

March 6th, 2007

The worst part of being sick is that it is really, but really, I do mean really, boring. You feel too sick to do anything you like; reading, watching tv, cooking, swimming, walking, enjoying the sun are out of your league, but then when you have nothing to do it is not like you enjoy resting either. After getting all the sleep you ever thought you could possibly get, there’s nothing but watching the flies on the wall, contemplating the spiderweb around your window curtains and just feeling plain sorry for yourself. Which is pretty dull, if you ask me. I can now appreciate how people who are sick a lot do not seem to be very interesting….we aren’t! But there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it, at least not while we are feeling sick. Only when the sickness gives us some respite, can we start feeling our normal selves again, whatever that is. I think the boredom is the part I like least of being sick. I can deal with physical pain all right (though nausea sucks!), but it’s the overall malaise that prevents you from even appreciating small pleasures that is truly debilitating. I have nightmares and panic attacks now that somehow I haven’t seen the end of this, that somewhere down the road I will have to go through this again and I honestly don’t know that I can do it. I admire and fear people I know and those whom I don’t know who have gone through it, through this kind of dull micro(or macro)agony and keep going. I admire them for their strength and courage. I fear the possibility of having to become one of them. But today I feel fine and that’s all that matters.

Picts of a Bald 5K Walk

February 12th, 2007

Guardate le foto della camminata di 5 Kilometri che abbiamo fatto io e Sandro il 4 febbraio:

Redondo 5.jpgRedondo 4.jpgRedondo 3.jpgRedondo 2.jpgRedondo 1.jpg
E qui una foto di Bruce, che ovviamente ha corso la 5 K:

Bruce.jpg

Second cycle…

February 7th, 2007

…is tomorrow. I’ll get there armed with anti-anxiety medicines, a sandwich, my prayer shawl (not a shawl to pray but a shawl knitted praying), and my amulets (friends’ gifts, cards, and outward symbols of love and support). The red liquid doesn’t scare me!

Domani ho il secondo ciclo di chemio. Ci andro’ armata di farmaci anti-ansia, un panino, il mio morbido scialle (che un’amica ha fatto a maglia recitando preghiere per me) e i miei amuleti (i regali delle mie amiche, le cartoline di appoggio e affetto ecc.). Il liquido rosso mi fa un baffo!