Catia Bitching Cancer

All I can say about nausea, vomiting, and chemo brain is this: 1) Had I had morning sickness when I was pregnant with Sandro I would’ve never contemplated having another child (and I think women who do are heroines); 2) one really comes to appreciate the small beautiful moments in life when one is not barfing or in a daze. The two malaises seem to be unrelated to each other; after hugging my toilet for a while, I felt a relieving brain alertness for about 30 seconds. On the other hand, the days following day 1 have been foggy, though I’ve had no more trips to the bucket. Even today, the best day so far, there have been times of tiredness and cloudiness. Some fastidious headaches. One of my cancer friends posted the pros of having chemobrain not long ago and appreciation of the moment was one of them. Here’s the complete list (you can read her blog at http://www.xanga.com/butshebites):

• You live completely in the here and now.
• You can watch the same episodes of your favorite shows over and over again because you don’t remember them, or more importantly, whodunit.
• You get a kick out of the same jokes you heard yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.
• When people ask if you did something bad, you can truthfully say “I don’t remember.”
• Every moment is fresh and new, a clean slate.
• People stop asking you to remind them of anything.
• You are completely trustworthy with something that is supposed to be a secret. You can’t remember the secret.
• You don’t hold any grudges or resentments against people for past deeds. You can’t remember the deeds. You can’t even remember the people.
• No one asks you to multitask any more.
• You become super-organized, with lists to remember your lists. You always put things back where they belong because you know if you don’t, you’ll never find them again. You leave messages for yourself on your own answering machine.
• You stop telling people what happened more than two days ago because chances are, you’ve already told those people. Stories are limited to what happened today. Your life is becoming streamlined.
• The prospect of Alzheimer’s becomes less threatening.
• You cant remember what you are supposed to be worried about.

Aren’t my cancer friends great? Thanks Alycia!!! Finding the humorous side to absolutely everything and keeping thinking of other people’s needs and feelings too! The best part is that these bullet points are all true. Yesterday I stopped by Serena and she made me tea. I have always liked Twinings Earl Grey, but there was no taste like yesterday’s. It just made me feel in heaven. And the warmed up pizza I had for lunch? Y-U-M-M-I-E. Saltine crackers? Try our new and improved taste: post chemo-regurgitation, for all your taste buds’ needs!

All this to say that, waking up on day 6 with minimal nausea and an almost clear head feels great. I can do this, I can do this! All I have to do now is to talk to Dr. Faith and let her know that I need to change meds and maybe get an anti-anxiety drug for when I see the red-filled syringe (a whole new meaning to ‘seeing red’)… I can do this!

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