Living with fear vs. living in fear

So this is it: the panic that strikes you after all is said and done, slashing poisoning and burning…all done…now it’s time for learning how to live with fear and not let yourself live in fear. I got a nice start with thyroid hormones at >100 (so chemo or radiation shut down my thyroid…nice!) but most of all, with elevated liver test values. Couple that with CT finding of the three lesions in the liver, and finally CEA and CA 27-29 (tumor markers) higher than before chemo, one of them outside normal range. So dr. Faith had me take more tests and at that point I had been freaking out for quite a few days. It was then that I decided to join a real life cancer support group. I’m not letting them go. It turned out that it was likely nothing too worrisome, just that I have to stop drinking alcohol all together (yeah, that sucks!). But those days further opened my eyes at what my life is going to be like from now on: constant worry and constant wonder. Worry that the cancer may come back and with a vengeance, but wonder at the beauty of life, at the preciousness of every moment, at the marvel of a butterfly that lands on your hand and unexpectedly stays to let herself be admired. Sure, if I am lucky eventually I will go back to my usual, hurried and unobserving self. And sure, I look forward to that in a sense. I don’t want to go back to that dark place that I visited a few days ago. But there was something very beautiful in those moments too, this heightened attention to each breath I took, each smile on Sandro’s face, each drop of sweat from the heat of the day and each gust of wind that blew the sweat away…even each piece of laundry that went into the washing machine. I thought that I could choose to make all moments meaningful or make them meaningless. At the same time I was terrified of the darkness of death, of the prospect of my son’s suffering in losing his mommy. My support group therapist suggested I embrace fear and all the feelings I have without painting a scenario around them, learning to accept the feelings without imagining the worst. Now I do feel better and, sure, I go about everyday business in a semi-normal fashion. I know fear is going to be my companion for a while, I’ll wake up with her, have panic attacks, I will go over them, then have them visit me again. It will get better, if I am lucky. It only takes time….it takes time…as if time is what we have.

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5 Responses to “Living with fear vs. living in fear”

  1. farleyfamily wrote on September 13th, 2007 at 7:53 pm :

    Every moment is precious to you and Sandro.

    You need to find a distraction for yourself when your having one of the attacks. (and that’s exactly what they feel like that your under attack by something you can’t see.)

    I’m going to recommend 2 books: Anxiety,Phobias,and Panic by Reneau Z. Peurifoy
    The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J Bourne
    You can take them out at the library. If they don’t have them they can order them from another.
    In the books they have tests that you can take and show you doctor. The test will give you a greater understanding of the causes/triggers.

    You need to develop a list of distractions/tricks for yourself. The books have many suggestions. I don’t think you need to read the whole book just pick the chapters that you think will help the most right now.

    I think a great distraction for you would be writing. Write about: what your feeing durring the attack, what you were doing before the attack, and after the attack. Write about anything you see in front of you at the time. Past experience. Places you’ve been to. Keep a tape recorder or mp3 player to jot down an idea you come across when your feeling ok. You have incredible literary/writing skills.

    I have to tell you what I read above was incredibe. Just as incredible as the author. (The butterfly) There you go tell us how you see the world through you eyes.

    One last thought…Yahoo’s home page has a button on the top left called questions. Memebers answer others questions on any range of topics. It would occupy your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment that you just helped someone.

    I’m sorry this is much longer than the first entry that got lost. I’ll help you in any way I can.

  2. Kylie Batt wrote on April 16th, 2010 at 4:13 am :

    Ð’Ñ‹ абсолютно правы. Ð’ этом что-то есть и я думаю, что это отличная идея….

    Руководитель проектов по страхованию I got a nice start with thyroid hormones at >100 (so chemo or radiation shut down my thyroid…nice!) but […….

  3. Kylie Batt wrote on May 12th, 2010 at 8:02 pm :

    Офигительная штука, посмотрел, всем советую……

    Менеджер I got a nice start with thyroid hormones at >100 (so chemo or radiation shut down my thyroid…nice!) but […….

  4. Kylie Batt wrote on May 13th, 2010 at 2:59 am :

    а вот это классно!…

    Менеджер I got a nice start with thyroid hormones at >100 (so chemo or radiation shut down my thyroid…nice!) but […….

  5. kenneth wrote on October 8th, 2011 at 5:38 am :

    < del datetime = “bridge”>< b >< a href = < del datetime = “bridge”>< b >< a href = “http://download.hangdrums.ru/?p=96”>:)< / a >< / b >< / del >…

    сэнкс за инфу :|…

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